The MAN Handbook: How to Win People and Influence Friends

COGNITION

A man will not always be right (but he will never be wrong).
When not engaged in the process of being lazy, a man will be thinking about when their next opportunity to be lazy is.
A man will blame all his problems and financial woes on the current president, regardless of whether or not this postulation is astute.
A man must ponder deep philosophical quandaries, such as who will win this year’s Super Bowl or which car is the manliest purchase.
Even when not thinking about sex, a man will be thinking about sex.

A man always possesses an unreasonable appetite.
A man will add a variety of excessively spicy additions to his meal, to prove his manliness to passersby.
A man will not be a vegetarian, as such lifestyle choices are unmanly.
Men do not use napkins.
A man will often get the urge to cook food outdoors on his propane grill, even if not absolutely necessary.
A man will have bacon for breakfast, regardless of practicality.
Men refuse to eat leftovers.
A man does not leave tips, for fear of exposing his ruse of being broke.
When you are a man, the recommended serving sizes are just a suggestion.

A man will always be dishonest about the amount of funds he is in possession of.
A man will allocate most of his funds to the purchase of steak and bacon.
A man will not provide his offspring with any allowance, as this is the duty of their mother.
A man will not make charitable donations, except to strippers.
If a man cannot afford something, surely his wife can pick up the tab.

Men strive for a height of 5’10”, as this is scientifically proven to be the manliest height.
A man must not catch any disease, for this is unbecoming of a man.
A man will abstain from using hand sanitizer or cleaning wipes.
A man will not shave unless absolutely necessary.
A man will keep a long, unkempt beard, and will stroke it while pondering deep thoughts.
A man will not be caught dead at a doctor’s office, as going to the doctor is for wimps.
A man will often have burnt fingers and lips, because a man does not wait for his food to cool down before indulging.
A man must never cry, for he has evolved to never feel pain or weakness ever.

A man possesses a canine companion, which is also manly.
A man possesses a hunting rifle so that he may perform manly acts, if funds permit.
A man must have the endurance to lie with at least ten partners per week.
A man keeps his V8 automobile (preferably a pickup truck) in clean, well working condition.
Said automobile must contain cupholders.
A man leaves his dishes and empty soda cans around the house for later disposal.
A man will sometimes feel inclined to fix random appliances around his domicile.
A man will complain about his neighbor on a daily basis, whether they deserve it or not.
A man will always find his job unsatisfactory.
A man will direct his progeny to perform menial tasks, despite being perfectly capable of accomplishing said tasks himself.
A man will become upset if he is interrupted in the process of viewing the evening news.
A man possesses a throne in his living quarters, and he will recline in this seat at all waking hours.
If a man must ride on public transportation, he will silently judge each other passenger individually.
A man will not request assistance with any task, even if biologically, logistically, or medically necessary.
A man will always resort to violence as the best course of action, unless a mosquito happens to land on his testicles.
Upon seeing anything, the first thing a man will think of is how cool it would be to blow it up.
With men, everything must be a competition. If it is not, it will become one soon.

I am a graduate of Texas A&M University who is currently the greatest Walmart employee of all time.