Dating, Life Advice, Men, Men's Health, Relationships

5 Bulletproof Tips for Avoiding the Friendzone

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friendzoned

THE BALLAD OF TANK: A CAUTIONARY TALE

Take heed, my friends. The following story will strike a chord with each and every one of you. Some of the words may be too painful for you to bear. But you must read on. You must learn from the tale I am about to tell, lest you continue in obsolescence.

There once was a young man named Hank  we’ll call him Tank. The first time I met Tank was at a Superbowl party. I had never met him before but he came with a friend of mine so I figured he must be alright. He was obviously into her. He didn’t really talk to anyone else the whole night and every time she moved her seat, he’d move right next to her.

He was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious? – Avril Lavigne

A few weeks later, Tank finally made a move. He went to my friend’s apartment and asked her on a date. She was so surprised that she said no and closed the door in his face! They haven’t talked since. Tank got hardcore friendzoned, possibly even given the boot altogether.

Here’s a rundown of what he did wrong:

-He obviously waited too long to make his feelings known

-He was too clingy

-He made it awkward

-He went for a movie ending without hashing out the beginning and middle

-He probably missed some hints

The easiest way to win the game is not to play, but that’s not an option here. You don’t want to spend your life on the sidelines. You’re too good a player to be sitting the bench. At least that’s what I tell myself. If you’ll follow this handy guide to avoiding the friendzone, you can avoid going down the same dark path that our dear friend, Tank, went down.

1. GIVE HER SOME SPACE

Nobody likes being around someone that’s clingy but girls especially don’t like a clingy guy. They don’t want you responding to their texts in half a second and they don’t need you constantly checking up on them. It makes you seem obsessive and uninteresting. What kind of interesting things could be going on in your life if you have time to answer her at the drop of a hat?

If you’re at an event or gathering or something together, you don’t have to be attached at the hip. Walk around and talk to people or hang out in different groups. It’s kind of weird if you never leave her side. Give her some room to breathe. She may be all you think about, but you might not be the same for her. Actually, you’re probably not, especially if you’re being annoying. Plus, you’ll seem like you don’t have any friends aside from her and she might feel sorry for you which is not a good sign. If you’re worried about her talking to people that are more interesting than you, maybe you need to be more interesting or less insecure.

Show her that y’all can be apart without you having a panic attack.

2. BE CONFIDENT

Nothing turns a girl off more than a guy that’s insecure. More often than not, guys will try to hide those insecurities only for them to manifest themselves in unhealthy ways later on. They might cause you to lash out at the girl you’re pursuing and that is extremely counterproductive. Work on your problems or your mindset before you even think about getting into a relationship. You don’t want to bring a bunch of baggage in with you and you don’t want to risk hurting someone you care about.

If it’s your appearance you’re insecure about, there are ways to change it without going overboard. Try a new haircut or facial hair style. If you’re smaller, go to the gym and bulk up some. If you think she might leave you for somebody else, that’s something you’ll have to worry about if you get into a relationship with her.

Working on those things that bother you will not only improve them, they’ll allow you to feel in control of your situation and that will boost your confidence. It will also prepare you for those inevitable times in a relationship when you’ll need to work through some hard stuff. You’ll be more likely to endure to the end.

3. BE ABLE TO PICK UP ON HINTS

This is a big one. You’ve got to be able to pick up on hints. If you can’t do this, you’re pretty much destined to fail. Girls don’t like to straight up say how they feel. They want guys to pick up on their hints (or more accurately, read their minds). They’ll drop subtle hints if they’re interested in you but they’ll drop atomic bombs for hints to let you know they’re not interested. The bad thing about being a guy is that we normally can’t tell these two apart.

I’ll cover some of the signs in another blog post but for now I’ll talk about some of the more obvious ones you’ll come across. One of the signs that she’s at least a little interested is physical contact like playful hitting. She might slap your arm or backhand your chest or something like that. Unless she’s straight up decking you in the face, this is usually a good sign. An obvious sign she’s not interested in you is that she comes to you for guy advice or treats you like her gay best friend. She’ll confide in you and tell you her secrets and you’ll think that means you’re getting closer. ABORT! Or you’ll be placed firmly in the friendzone with little to no escape options.

4. MAKE YOUR FEELINGS KNOW ASAP

You’ve gotta let her know how you feel about her as soon as possible. It doesn’t how awkward you think it’s going to be. You have to. Sometimes guys think doing that might “mess up their chances” but nothing will mess up your chances like not having any in the first place. Next thing you know, you’ve been spending months trying to win over a girl who’s been hooking up with some other guy every time she finishes hanging out with you and telling you about all of her problems. The sooner you get this out of the way, the sooner you know whether or not to keep going after her or to just move on.

Having to move on will suck but it will be a lot better in the long run than the alternative. Just think about it. Would you want to know you’ve got no shot early on so you can move on to some other girl that would possibly work out or would you rather waste months of your life just to end up heartbroken anyway?

5. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE

You’ve got to remember that no matter what advice you learned or romantic scenes you’ve seen in movies, life is rarely like that. A girl is not going to slowly but surely develop feelings for you as you slave away for her and answer her every beckon call. Her feelings aren’t going to culminate until they overwhelm her one rainy night when you show up on her doorstep to confess your love. She’ll just think you’re a wet fool. And she might close her door in your face after rejecting you. You have to be realistic. You can’t just drop a love bomb on her and expect her to fall head over heels for you. You can’t use cheesy one-liners you saw on a romcom on her. She probably won’t even be listening. She’ll be thinking “WTF IS GOING ON?” so just be chill.

It’s not a perfect list or even that comprehensive, but you’ll be better off if you follow these basic rules. Maybe I’ll expand on some of the points some time in the future.

Good luck.

If none of that works out, Rob Thomas will ease your pain.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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Life Advice

Cutting Your Losses: 5 Times You Have to Know When to Tap Out

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Amber Heard in Never Back Down

The first time I watched Never Back Down, the set up scene right before the big fight got me HYPED. Jake’s best friend had just been hospitalized by the main antagonist (Ryan) of the movie and he was understandably enraged. Like most guys in his situation, he wanted to do some serious damage to the guy who hurt his friend. Like most people who see someone they care about walking down a destructive path, his sort-of girlfriend, Baja, begged him not to fight the guy. When he wouldn’t listen to her, she tried to appeal to his sense of reason.

Baja: Walking away and giving up are not the same thing.

Jake: Good. ‘Cause I’m not doing either one.

Pretty good response. I don’t think I would’ve been in the right state of mind to give such a response. I probably would’ve told her I didn’t care and then stormed off to fight the guy. I definitely identified and still do identify with Jake in this scenario. Sometimes you’ve just had enough. You can’t let people walk all over you and you for sure can’t let them hurt the people you love without consequences.

Taking Care of Business

Jake handled his business in a positive way. Instead of running Ryan over with his car or busting a cap, Jake fought him one on one with MMA rules in place. No tricks, no dirty fighting. Just two guys settling their beef with their fists in front of a crowd of strangers.  Baja was afraid that Jake would lose himself in the process of defending his loved ones, but he didn’t. Instead, he defended his friend’s honor while maintaining his own. Even though it would have been arguably justifiable, Jake didn’t let his anger get the best of him. He’s a better man than I would’ve been. If somebody had hospitalized my friend or someone close to me, they would be laying up in the hospital bed next to them. Or underground. But then I would be a slave to my rage.

Quitting Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

There are times when fighting the good fight and powering through your struggles is necessary. And then there are times when it’s best to cut your losses. That doesn’t always mean your giving up on yourself. You’ve just identified something that’s contributing more to the impediment of your progress rather than helping you in your progression. In the following instances, it’s best to stop wasting your time and quit while you’re ahead.

1. When It’s Supposed to Be Fun But Isn’t

Have you ever joined a club or organization with the intention of having fun doing something you like with a group of like-minded people only for it to feel more like a job than an escape? That would be a good reason to leave that group. Or do you have friends who either never support your goals or constantly bash your looks or your decisions? Cut em loose. Or say you’re a kid whose parents signed him up for sports and spend more time drilling you over a dropped pass than congratulating you for the progress you’re making. If you’re not happy and you’re not having fun, quit the team. You don’t have to stay in these situations if they aren’t bringing you the joy you were looking for. That’s not what you signed up for.

2. You Don’t Feel Appreciated

This applies both to jobs and relationships. Sometimes you try really hard but your boyfriend or girlfriend seems like they couldn’t care less whether y’all were together or not. Maybe your boss is strapping your with more and more responsibilities but isn’t giving you more and more benefits or even respect. Maybe you’re putting in a lot more than you’re getting out. Don’t wring yourself dry for people who don’t appreciate your hard work and sacrifice. Let them see what it’s like when their doormat is pulled out from under them.

3. You Know You’re Wasting Your Time

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result” – not Albert Einstein

There’s no use doing the same thing you’ve been doing if you’re not gaining anything from it. You only have so much time on this Earth. Don’t waste it doing something that’s not helping you progress in life. It’s one thing to waste your time when you think there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You think you’re getting closer to your ultimate goal. Maybe you think you’ll get a promotion if you work late or that girl will finally go o a date with you if you get her a thoughtful birthday present. But it’s another thing to keep plodding along when you KNOW that you’re wasting your time. Maybe your boss has already made it crystal clear that there are no promotions, raises, or overtime opportunities in your future. Maybe that girl moved to Austin without telling you. Don’t keep breaking your back or wasting your energy on these people.

4. There’s No Room For Growth

This one sort of goes with the tip above. Why would you keep being a part of something that helps you gain absolutely nothing? Where there’s no opportunity for growth? The answer is that you shouldn’t. If your job isn’t offering you any incentives, what’s keeping you there? Get a new one. If you’re unhappy with your job and you can’t get overtime and you aren’t getting a raise or a promotion any time soon, it’s a wonder you still work there. Ask for a $1 raise and see gauge the response. If you’re not worth $1 now, you won’t be worth much more in the future. This goes for relationships and organizations as well. If you feel like you’re just going through the motions and you’re not getting anywhere, find something more fulfilling to do with your time and energy.

5. You’ve Changed Your Goals

Sometimes your goals change. That’s just the way it is. If your current path isn’t leading you towards your current goals, something’s got to change. It makes no sense to continue doing something that’s not getting you to where you want to be. If your current job isn’t leading you to the career you want, get a new one. Sometimes you have to put in a little work like getting a new degree or certificate, but it will be worth it in the end if you’re doing what you really want to do. If you got into a relationship not wanting to get married or have kids but now you do but the person you’re with doesn’t, you need to evaluate how important that is to you and whether or not you should continue that relationship. Maybe they’ll change their mind like you did.

In each of these situations, you need to know yourself, know your goals, and know what it’s going to take to reach them if you’re not headed in that direction already.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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Life Advice

7 Tips for Incoming College Freshmen

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The sun is blazing hot and the traffic is terrible. You know what that means! School is back in session. That also means that there are hundreds of 18 year olds wandering an unfamiliar town lost and confused. They don’t know how to drive or even walk down a sidewalk. Their parents aren’t there to guide their decisions anymore. They’ll either go buck wild or become a recluse. There’s usually no in-between during freshman year. To help you out, I’ve compiled a list of tips that will come in handy no matter which type of freshman you or your recently graduated high school student will become.

1. Never Pass up Free Food

The starving college student myth is not a myth. Food is easy to come by and hard to afford when you’re in college, especially when you’re looking at the on-campus options. Everything offered by your university has been upcharged like a mofo and will leave your wallet emptier than your roommate’s mini fridge likely will be. You can stock up on ramen or you can take advantage of the naive campus organizations who think offering free food will make you join their knitting circle.

During the first week of class, there is guaranteed to be a minimum of a bunch of events that offer free food. These will give you great opportunities to get free food. You might be able to socialize a little bit and make new friends but the main focus here should be the free food. Only socialize with people who are in organizations. They’ll most likely invite you to other events that are offering free food. If there’s one thing you don’t mess up during your first year of being independent, let it be this. Or stock up on Ramen.

2. Join an Organization

Unless you want to be a lonely hermit sitting in your dorm watching The Office for the fifteenth time, you need to make some friends. There’s no better way to make friends than to join one of those organizations that were handing out free food during syllabus week (read: day). Most colleges have organizations that cater to very specific interests so if you can’t find one that suits you, maybe you’re just not that interesting you aren’t looking hard enough.

3. STUDY

Studying is probably the most important thing on this list. I get it. Between organizations and binge drinking watching shows on Netflix, studying can get lost in the shuffle. Don’t let it. You’re in college for on reason: to get a degree. Everything else is secondary. Don’t let your parents’ money go to waste. And if you’re offended by me saying that and try to hit me with “I got student loans” or “I’m working through college” then you’d be even stupider than the average student if you went ahead and wasted your own hard-earned money.

4. Call Your Parents (Or at Least Your Mom) 

Your mom needs to hear from you at least once a week MINIMUM. This is non-negotiable. If I need to explain to you why this is, you’re either a terrible child, have a really bad relationship with your mom that needs to be worked on, or your mom is dead. Those are topics for another blog post.

5. Figure Out Your Major ASAP

A lot of kids head to college with at least a general idea of what they want to major in. Other go in with your future all laid out. Reality is going to hit both of those types like a freight train. High school might have been tough but college is a whole different beast. If you’re not careful, it will take what you love and turn it into something you hate. The difference is in success and failure is how you respond to adversity. You’ll find out pretty quickly whether or not you can handle the workload required to be in your major. If it’s too much, switch as soon as you can. You don’t want to waste any time or money staying in a major and accruing credits that won’t translate to a different degree plan if you choose to change your major later on down the road. Assess the situation and figure out whether you’re going to sink or swim ASAP.

6. Learn How to Drive

For the love of all that is holy, please learn to drive before you get to campus. Here are some helpful tips if you need a crash course in driving:

-The gas pedal is on the right. The brake is on the left.

-Left lane=fast, right lane=five over the speed limit

-You don’t need to slow down to five miles and hour to look for your turn.

-If you’re getting into a turning lane, get into it BEFORE you slow down to a complete stop.

-When the red lights come on on the car in front of you, that means they’re slowing down and you should, too.

-Pedestrians technically have the right of way but if they’re not in a designated crosswalk, it’s ok to drive as closely as possible to them to give them a little reminder to use the dang crosswalk.

-If you’re going to pullout in front of someone, you’d better time it right. If not, you;d better have some good insurance.

7. Have Fun

The last piece of advice I’ve got for you is to have fun. Don’t stress out too much. Unless you screw up and don’t take any of my sage advice, you’ll only be a freshman once. There are whole new possibilities and experiences out there for you to have. Whole new memories for you to make. Don’t waste any time. Go out there and have those experiences. Make those memories. And don’t do anything too stupid.

And call your mom.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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