Letters to J, Stories

The Dent in My Waterbottle

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Dear J,

A couple years ago I lived in an apartment with some friends in the dirtiest part of town. Someone got murdered a few buildings down from mine one day and I saw their body being bagged up on my way home from work. It was a wild place. I normally wouldn’t mind as long as the nonsense didn’t get too close to my apartment. But eventually it did.

For the first few months of me and my friends living in the apartment, there was nobody below us. Then one day some people started moving in. That’s where the fun began. The smell of weed would permeate my room more often than not. The moans from nightly threesomes kept me awake. The strange men who would bang on my door thinking they were at the apartment below me would make me uneasy.

Not to mention these people were being investigated by the police for selling drugs and prostitution. The situation was made even sadder by the fact that little kids lived in that apartment too. The cops asked me to keep an eye on them. I was basically turned into an informant. I copied down the license plate numbers of all the strange vehicles that would come to visit them. I would report on their comings and goings. I asked the leasing company to do something about it but they said their hands were tied because all the police had were allegations. No hard evidence. And also the workers said they were scared for their safety and refused to talk to my neighbors about their activities.

So I got to live with the weed smoke and the late night orgies and the strange crackheads coming to my door and the shouting about “blowing heads off”. It wasn’t ideal. I was trying to run a state representative campaign at the time. I wasn’t so much worried about my safety as I was of the inconvenience of if we would’ve had to have some kind of shootout.

One day I was having a particularly bad day. I think I was getting burnt out at work and came home during a storm. The wind was howling, rain was coming down, and I was being pelted by hail. The check engine light in my truck came on. Stuff like that. When I got to my door, there was one of those key box locks on the knob. The kind that lets the realtor go in and out whenever they want. That kind of irritated me because I wasn’t told beforehand they’d be doing that.

They can’t even knock on my downstair neighbors’ door but they can just come in and out of my home whenever they want? Whatever.

I tried to ignore it and go inside but the door wouldn’t unlock. The key would just spin round and round but wouldn’t unlock the door. So there I was with a messed up lock getting soaked and pelted with hail. The longer it went on, the angrier I got.

They can’t even knock on their door but they can just come in and out of my home whenever they want?

I thought if I calmed down, the door would unlock. It didn’t work. Probably because I didn’t calm down. Then for some reason the neighbors directly across from my stood outside of their door and watched me struggle. I think they actually had some mental problems. It was all I could stand.

THEY CAN’T EVEN KNOCK ON THEIR DOOR BUT THEY CAN JUST COME IN AND OUT OF MY HOME WHENEVER THEY WANT???

I took my anger out on that lock. Cold and wet and hammered by hail, I picked up my metal waterbottle and bashed that lock over and over. To my surprise, it popped off. My new enemy was vanquished. My waterbottle still bears the scars of a dented bottom. I felt a little better afterwards. I don’t remember what I did with that key box. I think I tossed it. Nobody ever asked about it.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira or on Instagram: @Death.Of.Hemingway

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Letters to J, Matchbox Twenty, Music, Pop Culture, Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty Will Cure What Ails You

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Dear J,

I’ve been in a slump lately. Just a lot of nonsense has been going on with this one girl and it’s gotten me all out of whack. I’m actually feeling emotions. It sucks. The only thing that has kept my life from spiraling down a deep, dark vortex of depression has been the silky smooth voice of Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty. His songs say exactly what I’m thinking. They don’t let you bury your feelings, they make you confront them head on.

I made a playlist of all my favorite Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty songs and have been asking Alexa to play it on my Echo Dot nonstop, I’ve been playing the songs in my truck any time I go somewhere, and I’ve been jamming out to them at work instead of doing work. I can’t help it. Rob Thomas just may be the most talented and lyrically gifted songwriter ever to walk the Earth. Below, I’ve ranked the songs on my playlist from my least favorite to my favorite even though I love all of these songs and could listen to them any time. I’ve also included a link to the Spotify playlist I made.

17. Long Day – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lgoz3XkW1UM&w=560&h=315]

I’m so terrified of no one else but me,  I’m here all the time, I won’t go away

This song reminds me of the times I become my worst self in front of the people I care about the most. They don’t deserve it and I don’t know why I act that way but I can’t help it. It seems like I always have an excuse.

16. How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d7EbtLb8ok&w=560&h=315]

Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

This is one of the faster paced songs on the list. It’s a fun song to shout. Even so, it’s got some deep lyrics. It’s about the world ending and a guy wondering if his life even meant anything. I hope that in the end, my life meant something.

15. Someday – Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6pODq8_FxE&w=560&h=315]

Maybe someday we’ll figure all this out

This song is pretty straightforward. Maybe someday everything will turn out alright. That’s the hope anyway.

14. Real World – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwJazZIWNgg&w=560&h=315]

I wish the real world would just stop hassling me

This song is all about escapism. We all sit around wondering what our lives would be like if we were more important or more powerful. But then the real world gets in the way of our dreams and we’ve just gotta make do with who we are.

13. Her Diamonds – Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNCgfrjKcqs&w=560&h=315]

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I sit down and I cry, too, But don’t let her see

This song is pretty sad taken at face value but takes on an even more somber feel when you realize it was written about Rob Thomas’ wife Marisol’s battle with an autoimmune disease. He said that she has good days and bad days and that this song was written about one of the bad days. Comforting a loved one is never easy, especially when you’re at a loss for words and all you can offer is your presence. This is a feeling Rob conveys beautifully through his lyrics.

12. Smooth – Santana feat. Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc&w=560&h=315]

Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it

For some reason, there are people out there who don’t believe that this classic is one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Those people are wrong. I personally have been listening to this song nonstop since I was four years old.

11. Lonely No More – Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7spBU4Yv8fE&w=560&h=315]

Why can’t we just try?

This song is about a guy who’s thinking about getting into a relationship with a woman but he’s been hurt and left lonely so many times before that he wants to be absolutely sure she won’t be like the rest before he jumps in. She wants him to trust her with his heart. She doesn’t think they’d hurt each other and wants to at least try. Me and that one girl sort of fit into this song but in opposite roles.

10. Mockingbird – Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR2pUsRcvm8&w=560&h=315]

You and me tried everything, but still that mockingbird won’t sing

This is another one of the more upbeat songs with a chorus that’s fun to shout. As fun as it is, though, the words won’t keep you from thinking about how hard y’all tried to make it work and just couldn’t. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

9. Unwell – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k&w=560&h=315]

Hold on, Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown, And I don’t know why

This is a classic Matchbox Twenty song. You can’t skip it once you hear that banjo playing. It’s a song about getting in a slump and just hoping that the people you love will stick around long enough to see you through it.

8. Push – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAkHqYlqops&w=560&h=315]

I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me

Push is another staple for any Matchbox Twenty playlist. It’s about a guy stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve never experienced this personally so I mostly like this song because of how catchy it is. The imagery in this song really helps it stand out too. I feel like someone being “rusty” and feeling like their head is caving in is something most people can relate to.

7. 3AM – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Naa1HXeDQ&w=560&h=315]

She only sleeps when it’s raining

This song is deeply personal to Rob Thomas. He wrote it to depict the struggles his mom went through as she battled with cancer. This song has everything: rain, loneliness, cries for help. It evokes every emotion we keep hidden deep down and pushes them to the surface.

6. Bright Lights – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12P2o91OLo4&w=560&h=315]

I got a hole in me now, Yeah, I got a scar I can talk about

This one’s about a guy longing for a girl who leaves to go on to bigger and better things. He doesn’t want her to go but he also doesn’t want to hold her back. He tells her that if the bright lights aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, she can always come back home to him and he’ll be waiting for her. Sounds familiar.

5. If You’re Gone – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clKAdQnwJ7A&w=560&h=315]

I think I’m scared, I think too much, I know it’s wrong, it’s a problem I’m dealing

Sometimes in a relationship, you can see the end coming from a mile away. You do all you can to stop it but it’s just inevitable. And when she’s gone, you have so much room to breathe but you can’t even move without her. You try to hold on but in the end, you’ve got to start planning a life without her in it. Rob Thomas wrote this song for his fiancée (now wife), Marisol, when she was unsure if she wanted to marry a musician.

4. Back 2 Good – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg93Lac49-Y&w=560&h=315]

I’m lonely now, and I don’t know how, to get it back to good

I think this song is about how people are alone even when they’re together. They just keep someone around to fill the void when they’d really rather be with someone else. They don’t know how to break out of that rut. I think that’s what happened with me and her. I think she just kept me around because she was hung up on her ex but needed someone around. She needed someone safe. She was always talking about him. Always worried about him. It wasn’t great.

3. Ever The Same – Rob Thomas

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2bjkEPL-9g&w=560&h=315]

Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart, Just let me hold you so we both fall down

This song is about being vulnerable and letting someone in. Life is hard but it’s a little easier when you’ve got someone there to share the load with you. It’s meaningful but it’s also just a beautiful song to listen and sing along to. People who cry a lot might just shed a tear while they listen to it.

2. Overjoyed – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg6r-IeH7ss&w=560&h=315]

When nobody understands you, well I do

This is a sweet song. The message it conveys is that talking to her and just being with her makes him overjoyed. He can’t contain his emotions. He just wants to be with her, just wants to hear her voice. It seems like a simple thing to say but it says so much. I’m sure everyone has someone who makes them feel that way or would like to be that person for someone else.

1. Bent – Matchbox Twenty

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=969RAKkYESU&w=560&h=315]

Shouldn’t be so complicated, Just hold me and then, Well just hold me again

In this song, he’s basically telling her that he needs her help getting straightened out. All he needs for that to happen is for her to love him or show him some affection. It’s simple. “Just hold me and then, well just hold me again.” He’s like a chia pet. Just water him once a day and he’s good. He’s not clingy and doesn’t need attention 24/7 in order to feel loved and appreciated. He just wants someone by his side who cares about him and shows it every once in a while.

If you liked those songs, they’re all right here in one convenient place: in the mood for rob thomas

Also, if you have any other interpretations of the songs or just want to talk about how great Rob Thomas is, feel free to leave a comment. Please note, however, that I will not allow any anti-Rob Thomas bigotry!

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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Death, Letters to J, Prison

Throwback Thursday

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Dear J,

You’ll meet a lot of different people in your life that will impact you in many different ways. Some will inspire you to achieve great things and some will break you down. Some will make you wonder how you got on without them and some will make you wish you never met them. These past few days, I was confronted with two stories of two people I met at a young age. Both of these people impacted my life in some way and it’s sad to see what’s happened to them.

Rest in Peace

My dad was flipping through some sort of Aggie magazine when he started reading the names of Aggies that passed away and would be honored at Muster next year. One of the names on the list belonged to my fourth grade teacher. It was pretty shocking because I didn’t even think she was that old. I’m still not sure what she died of but it must have been some sort of disease.

I’m not going to lie and say we had some sort of Dead Poets Society “Oh Captain, my Captain” type relationship. One of the few things I remember about her is that I didn’t like her because she called my mom crazy one time. I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t like her. Another thing I remember about her (that was also mentioned in her obituary) is that she loved the Astros. I’m glad she got to see them win the World Series before she died.

One thing I am grateful to her for, though, is that when I was in her class, she recognized that I was a pretty decent writer. For one of our field trips, we went and watched the Brazos Valley Symphony Orchestra play at the Rudder Auditorium on the Texas A&M campus. It was probably one of the fanciest things I’d ever been to. One of the songs (or whatever you call them) they played was Peter and the Wolf. When we got back to school the next day, our class was told that there was an essay contest for all the school that attended the concert. For whatever reason, I didn’t want to participate.

On the day of the deadline, I still hadn’t written anything. When pressed by my teacher to write my essay, I wrote that I fell asleep during the concert and missed everything. She had me throw that entry away and write a real one. The essay I came up with actually won the contest! I got a check for $25, a framed copy of my essay, and my picture in the newspaper. I didn’t smile for the picture because I didn’t like my teacher then but I’m glad she pushed me to write that essay.

Locked Up

I’ve always loved sports ever since I was a little kid. I played baseball, basketball, and football growing up. Football was my shortest-lived sport, though. I only played it when I was in third grade. my dad sent me an article the other day showing me that the guy who coached me that year is going to jail for having inappropriate relations with a student. That’s crazy to me! It’s weird that had he not coached me as a third grader, our paths wouldn’t have crossed and it would’ve just been another gross teacher/student story to me only happening in a town I used to live in.

I’m not too surprised by people I know getting locked up for crazy stuff. Last year I was scrolling through the news and came across an article about a preacher getting arrested for committing indecent acts with a thirteen year old girl. I found out real quick that the sick individual who was arrested was a close friend and mentor of mine. Disgusting. I about threw up at my desk. After that, I haven’t really been surprised by too much.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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Letters to J, Texas A&M

Come Sail Away

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Dear J,

The lake was so peaceful this weekend. I went out there to take pictures while I visited my parents at their new apartment. If I didn’t have to bring two pizzas back to my family I would’ve stayed out there all day watching the airplanes fly and the sailboats pass by. I got a lot of good pictures for my all-time favorite missionary’s polaroid album. The water was real nice and the beaches and dock weren’t crowded like they were in Waco. I got some pictures of boats on the dock and some of ducks and geese that were running around. For some reason, the hardest picture to get was of a hibiscus. I couldn’t get it quite centered like I wanted it to but I needed that flower to be in the book so I tried a few times. It only took about three times to get a picture I thought would be good enough for the book.

Cameron Park Zoo

On the way home, I stopped by the Cameron Park Zoo, the Aggie Barn, and the Bush Library. It was pretty hot at the zoo and I didn’t get very good pictures but it was still cool to get to walk around and see all the animals. Usually I’m out there sweating and volunteering and don’t really get to take it all in. Elephants are my favorite and I wish they had been closer so I could’ve gotten a good picture but they were pretty far away. Also, did I mention that it was HOT?

The Aggie Barn

aggie barn

On the way from Waco to College Station, there’s an Aggie barn that’s painted maroon and white and has class years on it. My mom got an iconic photo of it for me when my class year (2017) was painted on it. On my way back to College Station, I pulled on the side of the road and snapped a polaroid of it for my missionary’s book. I used my last picture for it. I kind of want to keep it but I’ll give it to her.

George Bush Library

george hw bush statue

For reasons I’m not too caught up on, George H.W. Bush decided that Aggieland was the perfect place to build his presidential library. I’m glad he did, I just think it’s a weird relationship. Anyway, he’s got a real nice library out here. I’ve been to it a few times. This past weekend I went over there to take some pictures for my missionary’s album. I got a pretty good picture of the front of the museum, the statue of George H.W. Bush, and the horse statue that’s got a piece of the Berlin Wall on it.

Sloppy Performance

at&t stadium

All in all it was pretty good weekend. Except for that game put on by the Aggies. We should have put the whoopin’ on Arkansas. We should’ve wrecked em. We should’ve left hogs battered and bruised all over Jerry’s World. But after running back the opening kickoff for a touchdown, all we managed to do was squeak out a 7 point win. It was such an ugly game. Jimbo even had to grab a player by the facemask to keep him from acting stupid. We won’t get back in the Top 25 after that but we won and I guess that’s what matters.

Hopefully Kentucky takes it easy on us next weekend.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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Letters to J, Public Speaking

Speaking at Church

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church

Dear J,

This past Sunday night, our church had a Fireside where three people were chosen to speak about why they believe in God and how they came to the church. Originally, I was supposed to be a backup for one of those three people. I was going to be like the 12th Man: suit up, show up, stand on the sidelines in case they need me. But I guess they needed me in the game instead because last Wednesday they asked me to be one of the ACTUAL speakers. With no backup.

I was a telecommunications major and had to do a lot of presentations in college and I also ran for state representative but I don’t like public speaking. It’s nerve-wracking and I’m not sure why. I know that all if I’m having to talk in front of a lot of people, it’s not a punishment. Those people are there to hear what I have to say. But that didn’t stop me from being extremely nervous even thinking about talking in front of everyone on Sunday.

Practice Makes Perfect (Almost)

It didn’t make it any better that the elders said that my talk had to be around ten minutes long! How was I supposed to ramble on for that long? I figured I needed to practice what I was going to say so for a few hours a night I shaped my talk. I timed myself and I started off with a speech that lasted fifteen minutes. I was pretty surprised because it didn’t feel like that took that long. My new problem was trying not to bore everyone to death by rambling on too long about my story. I figured I was solid after that as long as I could cut out some of the fluff.

I trimmed the speech down to about eight minutes after I took out some unnecessary parts to the story. They still got the idea but weren’t bogged down by the details. I also thought that it was going to be mostly young people at the Fireside but there were a lot of older people and kids so I modified the semi-polygamy joke I had planned and cut out some other stuff they might not have liked that much. I still made a polygamy joke though because I had to. It wasn’t that bad. I just said that growing up, the only two words that came to my mind when anyone brought up Mormons was “sister wives”. Originally I was going to say “weird” and “polygamy”.

The Main Event

After days of hoping that by some miracle, they’d find somebody else to give the talk in my place, Sunday came and I was still a go. I was already nervous but I found out when I got there that two of my old missionaries (the ones I visited about two weeks ago) were going to be there! I was happy to see them, though. I wish they would get sent back here but I don’t think they will. To make me even more nervous, just about every missionary in Texas was sitting behind us on the stage (or whatever the front of the church is called). I hate when people sit behind me. That’s why I was always in the back of the class.

I had to speak after one of the elders played a song on the violin. I hoped it would be a long song. Once he hit that last note, it was go time. I got up to the mic and was immediately overcome with nerves, but I powered through it and introduced myself. Right before I got on a roll, a guy came up and tapped me on the shoulder. I thought Oh wow I’m already getting kicked off the stage. He was just asking me to stand closer to the mic.

After the introduction, I didn’t really feel nervous anymore. Maybe it was that brief distraction or the fact that the church laughed at the first thing I said and put me at ease. Either way I rolled through that speech and didn’t think too much of it. If I felt myself starting to get nervous or my voice started to get shaky, I’d just look at one of my good friends sitting in the front row and pretend like I was talking straight to her like I usually do. It felt natural. I also don’t like when people doing church talks set up a joke and pause afterwards and then people think Oh I’m supposed to laugh now and then there are bunch of pity laughs. I avoided that by not pausing at all UNLESS the people were laughing and wouldn’t be able to hear the rest of what I was saying.

I really only sprinkled in two actual jokes I wanted to say but I had them laughing the whole time so I guess it was alright. I just talked how I usually do and I’m normally pretty good at making people laugh even unintentionally. I know I was scared at first but it sort of felt good to be up there speaking to everyone. The only thing that made it a little awkward was that some people had pretty intense listening faces so I tried to avoid looking at them too much.

The Aftermath

After the Fireside, a lot of people came up to me to tell me how much they loved my talk! I got a lot of hugs and handshakes. Some people told me how their story related to my story or how I offered a perspective of finding religion that they’d never heard or thought of before. Some people told me they thought the talk was hilarious and how they were glad I got moved up from backup to starter. It was all very encouraging and made me feel pretty good. I probably wouldn’t want to talk in front of everybody like that too often but next time, I’ll probably be a lot less nervous about it. It was a great experience.

I wish you were there to see it.

-Jeston

Follow me: @DoHpodcast and @JestonTexeira

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