Howdy, everybody, I just caught wind of Trump’s latest master plan: he wants to reopen Alcatraz. Yeah, that Alcatraz, the old island prison in San Francisco Bay, now a tourist hotspot. I thought it was a joke account at first, but no, it’s pure Trump energy. It’s got his signature bold, in-your-face style, and I’m intrigued, but I’m also like… huh? I’m all for his knack for stirring the pot, but why Alcatraz? What’s the play here? It’s wild, a bit hilarious, and I’m dying to see where this goes.
Trump’s pitching Alcatraz as a lockup for “America’s most ruthless criminals.” Think Al Capone and Machine Gun Kelly, back when the Rock was the ultimate bad-guy hotel. He’s selling it as a law-and-order flex, which, let’s be honest, is his brand. Gotta love how he swings for the fences with ideas nobody else would touch. But here’s the thing: Alcatraz hasn’t been a prison since 1963. It’s been raking in over a million visitors a year for the National Park Service. Shutting that down for a symbolic stunt? That’s peak Trump, but is it practical?
Here’s the deal: Alcatraz closed because it was a money pit. Saltwater eats everything, and it only held about 300 inmates back then. Fixing it up could cost a billion bucks and take six to eight years, plus there’s already a $63.6 million project to make it earthquake-proof. Turning it back into a prison sounds like a logistical dumpster fire. And even if Trump bulldozes through the legal mess, what happens when he’s out of office? No way JD Vance or whoever’s next keeps this circus going. I dig the tough-on-crime vibe, but is this the move?
Trump’s got his reasons, and I respect the hustle. He’s fed up with “radical judges” slowing deportations and wants a big, scary symbol to scream, “Not on my watch.” Alcatraz, with its escape-proof rep (minus those three guys in ‘62—still a head-scratcher!), fits the bill. Word is Don Jr. might’ve pitched it, maybe after binging Escape from Alcatraz. I mean, who doesn’t get hyped for Clint Eastwood? But Congress has to sign off, and with tax cuts and tariffs on the table, I’m not holding my breath. Plus, San Francisco will lose its mind if their cash cow becomes a cellblock again.
I’ve voted Trump three times, and I love how he grabs headlines like nobody else. This Alcatraz idea is nuts, and I’m low-key rooting for him to pull it off, or at least keep us entertained. But is it the best way to flex? Could the cash go to border security or something less… island-y? Either way, he’s got my attention, and I’m grabbing popcorn for the show.
Jeston is a former student of Texas A&M, the author of the Jesse Granger: Bushranger series, and an avid wildlife conservation advocate.
