Why Seattle is the Worst City in America

1. No Good Burgers in Seattle

Admittedly, this place has Fatburger and The Habit, which are delicious, but it doesn’t have the big two (Whataburger and In-N-Out). That means it’s not a real city. While in Seattle, you are 217 miles from the nearest In-N-Out and a whopping 1,130 miles from the nearest Whataburger, and that’s just not really living. Sure, you could try some of the local burger joints, but who supports small business in this day and age?

2. Weather is Always Dumb

It is raining a good 42 percent of the days in a year in Seattle. These people are drowning, I tell you! Not to mention, Seattle never sees the sun ever. Some residents say they have seen the sun before once in a while, but these accounts are largely anecdotal or hypothetical.

3. Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. ‘Nuff said

The mayor has made great strides in terms of representation in politics, but you have to be a pathetic weakling to just allow a “mostly peaceful” group to create a sovereign nation within your city limits. A group protesting the influence of police creates a zone where they can be free from the shackles of those cruel officers… and the city quickly devolves into a wasteland of crime and violence. Who could have seen that coming? Numerically speaking, this protest caused more deaths than the single death they were protesting.

4. Twilight Takes Place in Seattle

Technically it takes place in Forks, but that place is arguably even less interesting than Seattle. Twilight is one of the worst movies ever made, and it wouldn’t be possible without Seattle and its existence. Technically most people in Seattle didn’t ask for such a travesty, but I still blame Seattle. Also, The Last of Us Part 2 took place in Seattle, and that game was disappointing, mostly because it has entirely too much Seattle. In fact, you start the game in Wyoming and then go to Seattle for the remaining 23 hours of the game (with a brief stop in Santa Barbara, California near the end). The first game took you to such varied locations as Texas, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Wyoming, Colorado, and Utah.

5. Dumb Names for Places

Sammamish and Walla Walla are some of the stupidest names I’ve ever heard for a city (with the possible exception of F***ing, a village in Austria. I kid you not). It would be less ridiculous if the cities were named Town 1, Town 2, Town 3, etc.

6. Crime and Homeless People

Look, homeless people are in a terrible and uneviable place, but the truth is the vast majority of those put themselves in that situation due to poor life choices, and are doing nothing to work towards changing the situation (and are digging an even deeper hole for themselves by spending all their paltry income on alcohol, tobacco, and drugs). Also, my goodness the crime is outrageous. A resident has a 1 in 17 chance of being the victim of a property or violent crime. And of course, a city with such violence has some of the strictest gun control in the nation. God forbid I be able to protect myself against these aggressors, who don’t care about the law and will get a gun regardless of what laws the mayors think to enact.

7. The Space Needle is Dumb

Yup.

8. The COVID-19 Pandemic Pretty Much Started in Seattle

That one nursing home in Seattle was the site of one of the first major outbreaks in the nation. So if I happen to get COVID you could probably trace it back to Seattle somewhere down the line.

9. No Other Redeeming Qualities

To be fair, Seattle has a lot of great views (the best of which is the view of it in your rearview mirror as you head pretty much anywhere else), but that doesn’t justify living there, especially when the average rent is over two grand. Why anyone in their right mind would pay that much to live there is beyond me. Do not ever live in Seattle, and if you were born there, move as soon as you can.

By the way, 90 percent of this post is facetious. The other 10 percent is facts.

-Adrian